i've recently been thinking and come to several conclusions. right now i'm not sure where i'm going in life for the first time in three years. i've been so sure of everything for so long i'm lost without that confidence.
i'm not where i expected to be at this point. i'll spare you the details, but i expected to be somewhere. i know i'm bound for something great. a person isn't born with my level of determination and passion for no reason.
but what i often forget...
is that i'm only 20. i'm only a baby. i graduated college at 19 which, don't get me wrong i'm very proud of, but it has forced me to feel like i have to be an adult with a career and a family. i'm in constant pursuit of that career. for six days a week i am an adult. so if on that one friday night i want to hang out a window yelling at people on the street or make friends with strangers, i will. i'm not saying that is what i do, but for examples sake, i'll go with it. at this point in my life it's my right to make mistakes. it's my right to have this period of trial and error. i have to remember that it's perfectly okay that i don't have my life figured out yet. it's okay to have details unfinished and in pieces.
i too often worry about pleasing certain people and this controls aspects of my life. whether these people mean to do this or not, i allow them to. i need to stop worrying that others will not be proud of me and now worry about making myself happy and moving my life in the direction i want it to go in.
right now is a time of constant opportunities to grow.
artwork by Raymond Pettibon