would you like to know a secret?

i don't love myself and i'm worried i never will. at one point i thought i'd love myself if i was 90 lbs on a 5'7" frame. although i find this nearly impossible, i still don't think i'd love myself.

i've recently been thinking and come to several conclusions. right now i'm not sure where i'm going in life for the first time in three years. i've been so sure of everything for so long i'm lost without that confidence.

i'm not where i expected to be at this point. i'll spare you the details, but i expected to be somewhere. i know i'm bound for something great. a person isn't born with my level of determination and passion for no reason.

but what i often forget...
is that i'm only 20. i'm only a baby. i graduated college at 19 which, don't get me wrong i'm very proud of, but it has forced me to feel like i have to be an adult with a career and a family. i'm in constant pursuit of that career. for six days a week i am an adult. so if on that one friday night i want to hang out a window yelling at people on the street or make friends with strangers, i will. i'm not saying that is what i do, but for examples sake, i'll go with it. at this point in my life it's my right to make mistakes. it's my right to have this period of trial and error. i have to remember that it's perfectly okay that i don't have my life figured out yet. it's okay to have details unfinished and in pieces.

i too often worry about pleasing certain people and this controls aspects of my life. whether these people mean to do this or not, i allow them to. i need to stop worrying that others will not be proud of me and now worry about making myself happy and moving my life in the direction i want it to go in.

right now is a time of constant opportunities to grow.

artwork by Raymond Pettibon

backup plan

Unfortunately the San Francisco road trip was canceled due to age, of all things. We were unable to book a hotel room because none of us are 21! I thought of a million other reasons why the trip would be canceled, but age never entered my mind. Don't believe people when they tell you that you are legally an adult at 18...anyways I managed to make other plans, seeing as I had all the time off work.

My grandparents came down from Idaho to visit for a couple weeks and the idea hit me to just go home with them and visit family for a week in Idaho. I was, fortunately, able to get a seat on the flight they had booked home. Although it was heartbreaking when we stopped in Oakland to change flights and on takeoff I had a perfect view of the bay bridge.

I stayed a week and I think this trip ended up meaning a whole lot more than San Francisco ever could have. This trip ended up being very sentimental and something I'll always remember. I got to spend a lot of one on one time with my grandparents and it was amazing. The love they have for each other after so long is amazing and anybody could see it in their daily activities. I can only hope I find some to cherish as I have seen in my grandparents example.

I also got to help my aunt out with my three beautiful little cousins, as she has gone back to school. She's doing amazing and I admire her for making that decision with three kids at home. My cousins are getting so big! It's hard to be so far away from family, and I didn't want to come home, but back to reality and responsibility.

kylie, ciara, syd

box EIGHT

This weekend I attended a gallery showing at box EIGHT studios with a friend. She was actually working the event by recording footage for publicity and media. box EIGHT studios is part art, and part fashion. It's located in the downtown warehouse district. Aside from its bleak surroundings, the studio is an eclectic mash of different artistic elements. It was a great opportunity and the work was breathtaking. There were two pieces that caught my attention called Smash Fashions. They are actual garments covered in broken glass. I hope to, one day, be able to experiment with a more avant garde style of fashion.

new experiences

So last weekend i went to a book signing for Lauren Dukoff with a friend and it was a whole new scene. It was a hippie vibe mixed with acceptance. It was so amazing to people watch in a new situation. i felt out of place but enjoyed the vibe and just fading into the background. By the end of the evening i had the urge to bust out the headband and flowing skirt, but refrained. Although it did leave me craving new experiences and an extreme excitement for my San Francisco trip planning this weekend with some close friends. It will be my first trip without any family, and can i tell you, it's LONG overdue.

i'll leave you with some fabulous pieces by William Rast. i'm thinking black tights with shorts and a blazer will make fall quite fabulous...

out with the old...

Hi, my name is Amber.

The best way to describe myself [currently] is through the words of Daniel Lyston Barnett Hunter:

"I'm relatively quiet around people I don't know, I hardly thrive in crowded social settings, and I don't smile a lot in public. I'm an introvert, and, unfortunately, too many people take my reserved demeanor the wrong way. They think I'm stuck up, or angry, or in a bad mood..."

I'm trying to break out of this and be confident in every situation, much like I am with my closest friends.

I can't flirt and am socially awkward in many situations that involve males. I have a passion for fashion design and I love music. I have been fortunate enough to meet all of my favorite artists. I'm straight edge. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex until I'm married. I hate the radio, but love road trips. I like airports and wouldn't mind traveling as part of my career. I have many opinions and they will be displayed here, I'm sure of that. I stand up for what I believe in.